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AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W.
Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus
from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an
immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the
court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list
of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin,
Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and
desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and
certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration,
deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who
is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does
he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again
must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed
an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them
under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin
are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list
tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at
the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My
mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't
check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a
direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the
honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world
have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his
granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest
development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North
Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday.
"We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a
spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal
action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for
days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly." |