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THIS IS FOR ALL YOU "SOUTHERNERS"
The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be drawing a
number of people to that area, including many who are not accustomed to
Southern hospitality. They might find useful the following travel advice
issued
by
the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northern urbanites:
1. Do not order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Do not laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), Or
we
will have to kick your ass.
3. Do not order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead
to
an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or
we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes
have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Duke, Clinton). We don't
care
if
you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we
would
kick their ass.
6. Do not laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the
middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9. Do not talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here,
Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we do not want to sound like you. We do not care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll
kick
your ass.
11. Do not complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
12. Do not ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your
ass
just like they did ours.
13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of
our fresh air and we'll kick your sorry ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you
will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Greetings !
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