YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE IF...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, lorazepam, and compazine. You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light. Your bladder expands roughly to the same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank. You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine. You see stress as a normal way of life. You have a tendency to laugh at your patients "big" problem. Your sense of humor seems more "warped" each year. You believe that saying "It can't get worse"....causes it to get worse just to show you it can. You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder. You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom. You believe PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting diagnosis. You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk). You don't mention the name of frequent flyers so as not to invoke his/her spirit to bring him/her in. Not only does your watch tell time, but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30, and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure. You call burn victims "crispy critters". You have a recurring nightmare of being hit & run over by the portable X-ray machine. You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye & say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there." You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!" You say to yourself, "Great Veins!" when looking at complete strangers in the grocery store. You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac. You think the ER waiting room should have a Valium salt lick. You know it's a full moon without looking at the sky. You have ever had to deal with someone who thinks being constipated for 4 hours is an emergency. ISN'T IT THE TRUTH!!! LOL