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July-December 2000
~ 186,000 miles/sec. Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
~ A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes
focus well enough to see you clearly.
~ A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
~ A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
~ A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
~ A fool and his money are soon partying.
~ A job is nice, but it interferes with my life.
~ A lie stands on one leg, truth on two.
~ After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
~ All men are idiots. And I married their King.
~ An apple a day keeps the doctor from having to remind us that he has
not made a house call since 1966.
~ Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
~ As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
~ Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your
life.
~ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
~ Better living through denial.
~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to
their diet.
~ Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer
repairman.
~ Buy the new Pentium IV so you can reboot faster.
~ Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
~ Do you overthrow a puppet government with toy guns?
~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is
that you are NOT a hypochondriac.
~ Does it concern you that the word "practice" is on your doctor's door?
~ Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
~ Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get.
~ Due to budget constraints and energy conservation, the light at the
end of the tunnel will be turned off.
~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~ Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death.
~ File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)?
~ Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men
crooked.
~ God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets.
~ God's retirement plan is out of this world.
~ Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
~ Have a great weekend . . . unless you have other plans.
~ Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
~ Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't
have to do it?
~ He who angers you controls you.
~ He's a gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
~ How did a fool and his money GET together?
~ How do you get off a non-stop flight?
~ How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented,
but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
~ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
~ I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And
a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and.
~ I don't question YOUR existence. - God
~ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
~ I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping
Rust."
~ If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
~ If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he
still wrong?
~ If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan
Frubert: Basically He Wants Attention," I would quit my job and work for
his campaign.
~ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
~ If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~ If God is your co-pilot, swap seats.
~ If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
~ If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
~ If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
~ If you jog backwards, will you GAIN weight?
~ Ignore apathy.
~ I'm a peripheral visionary.
~ I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
~ Introducing "LITE" -- the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer
letters!
~ Is it okay to listen to an AM radio station after noon?
~ Is there an exception to the rule that states, "There is an exception
to every rule"?
~ It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
~ It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
~ I've told you seven million times not to exaggerate!
~ Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
~ Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
~ Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
~ Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to
the town gossip.
~ Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
~ Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
~ My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
~ Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
~ No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
~ Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
~ On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.
~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
~ One who lacks courage to start has already finished.
~ Our favorite attitude should be gratitude.
~ our secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
~ People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look
of astonishment off my face.
~ Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
~ Punctual people have nothing better to do.
~ Put this in your e-mail sig! "Notice: Spelling mistakes above left in
for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled."
~ Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two.
One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.
~ Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
~ Science tells use we only use 15% of our brain, but I wonder what we
do with the other
~ Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
~ Stock up and save. Limit: one.
~ Succeed, in spite of management.
~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.
~ Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
~ The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes
in it.
~ The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our
enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
~ The enemy of great is good.
~ The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything.
~ The road to success is always under construction.
~ The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.
~ The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
~ The word "love" can have many different meanings, but it loses value
when overly used and has no value if never spoken or shown to others.
~ They told me I was gullible. I believed them.
~ Things could be worse...Martha Stewart could be your mother-in-law.
~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
~ Time is money. Money talks. Talk is cheap.
~ To err is human, but it's against company policy.
~ To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
~ Virtual reality is its own reward.
~ We don't change God's message. His message changes us.
~ Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
~ What do chickens think we taste like?
~ What do people in China call their good plates?
~ What do you call a male Ladybug?
~ What's another word for thesaurus?
~ What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the
spoon.
~ When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
~ When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm
leaving.
~ Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
~ Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
~ Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?
~ Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
~ You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat the people they
don't need.
~ You don't get old, you just become a classic.
~ You wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face!
~ Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of
God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond
the need of God's grace.
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