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1. A man raced into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2.At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Well, they used to be," she replied. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, I was informed that he was having trouble with one of his meds. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch" he replied. "Your nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! So now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. " Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with her purple hair styled into a punk rocker's Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that she had acute appendicitis, and she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff saw that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the young surgeon wrote a short note on the dressing over the incision, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN.. no name 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed the habit of whistling softly. One day, the middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and, of course, further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No. Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name |