THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No! Really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus
[Not if I deal with it properly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Good-for-nothin', lazy, shirkers!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[I don't see how that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[They taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[Talk of really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[I certainly hope so!]